My Journey Into The Dark Night of the Soul

The dark night of the soul is one of the greatest awakenings I needed to have experienced. Noted by the Catholic poet St. John of the Cross as one’s spiritual enlightenment. Today, it is described as the journey, if experienced, that is tumultuous and upending. It will lead you to the point where you resurface as your true self and the realization that there is something far greater than you. You will not be the same. You cannot be the same. You will not feel comfortable living as your past self. Regardless of your religious or spiritual orientation consider it an answer to the existential crisis and discovery of your purpose. This is not something to be taken lightly. It will force you to redirect the sails of your life.

This dark night of the soul is an unbelievably painful process. Yet, to be completed the pain must be experienced for growth to occur. It is a process likened to what butterflies must experience in chrysalis. When the butterfly is ready to emerge from its cocoon it must do so by itself. It is a struggle for the butterfly but if you prevent its unassisted emergence, it will not survive. It will not achieve its intended purpose. It’s a struggle necessary for it to fly and exist. Carl Jung, who now seems to have been ahead of his time and seemingly having a resurgence on social media, said it best, “There's no coming to consciousness without pain."

I was confronted with what I had been hiding all along in my ego. All those dark areas had me on the wrong path in life. I saw all my mistakes, all my selfishness, all my wrongs towards others, all those societal imposed constructs that I accepted without reflection. You cry because you can’t help it. You are broken pieces of self. Broken and alienated relationships, the wrong line of work, failed best intentions, and I can continue adding more but I am sure you get the point. I was a mess. I recognized that all my assumptions about how good I was and my intentions, were false. Chosen paths that were not meant for me. Yes, if I could go back, I would apologize to everyone that I hurt with my words and misinterpretations of context within relationships.

In my darkness, I made life difficult for myself and others because I lacked self-awareness. I did regret so much time wasted walking in ignorance. Despite these reflections, I acknowledged it was mine to experience so that I could appreciate where I had been to, and what I had, and could continue to become.

In the dark night of the soul, you also find you have undiscovered good or what you might call decent things about us. You discover you have two sides. I was no longer rejecting or denying the dark side and good side of my shadow self. Jung would say I could now integrate them, my shadow self or my hidden ego, with what I did know about myself, into being a whole person.

I finally recognized who I was and how I was living as someone lacking in self-awareness for what I had the potential to become. It is a fearful thing when you are stripped away bare and exposed and can no longer hide in darkness. It’s fear, it’s shame, it’s complete nakedness. You need to admit the truth. You are fighting who you are because you are experiencing a palpable connection to the newly discovered darkness and light that is in you. You fear those parts you’ve hidden that would let you become who you were meant to be in the world.

This awakening begins to let you stand again. The shame you once had as you looked at your reflection starts to dissipate. You experience a happiness you could not feel before. It is a joy to embrace because you finally get to see your true self and your potential. The bad and the good and you can begin to manage them both because you have acknowledged them. They are not hidden from you, you are not fighting them, and they no longer cause you shame. You are no longer walking in deception of who you are, you work towards becoming a better person, and you recognize you must continue getting better until you take your last breath on this earth. We no longer have expectations of others, we are now humble enough to know we shouldn’t be judging others, and rather continually give more grace, generously, and without reservation. We have come to know ourselves as we truly are; it evokes temperance and patience for ourselves and others.

After experiencing the dark night of the soul; thoughts and feelings of judgment towards others become uncomfortable. You are reminded of your past self. You understand the fragility of the human ego and the shadow self and how they do not want to be discovered because then you would be confronted with the choice of having to act. Empathy for your fellow man brings peace and intentionality for avoiding strife and condemnation

I spent some time as a hospice Chaplain and realized many of us will live a life on this planet without having the opportunity to achieve self-awareness. Many of us will spend a lifetime unhappy, angry, unfulfilled, unwilling, and blinded to the need for introspection and self-development. Many of us will spend our lives blaming others for our circumstances and for the condition of the world. The rich will blame the poor, the poor will blame the rich, one race, ethnicity, or culture will blame the other, we fall for the seasonal rhetoric of politics, one is always right and the other is always wrong. There is no compromise. It is impossible to think the other might have a genuine concern for decency and what is fair and just. There is no intent to view humanity in one another. We are simply bumping into each other in darkness. We cannot see or understand we all have the duality of good and bad. It prevents us from not embracing life as it is without seeking to punish others, to harbor resentment or malice. This is what the dark night of soul did for me. It stripped away the nuances of human frailty and deficiency and allowed for clarity, objectivity, and rationality.

There is a rebuilding of the self that must take place when one experiences the dark night of the soul. Knowing that the previous life was not the authentic life I should have been living. There is that moment of exposure when one feels vulnerable like the crab that that needs a larger shell. The crab when it is growing goes through the molting process. It must crack its old shell and then squeeze out and live with its soft shell exposed and vulnerable in its world, unable to defend itself. It must wait unprotected until the new larger shell hardens.

The rebirth that takes place after the dark night of the soul allows you to see your fellow man with grace and mercy without feeling insecure. It is a blessing when you can see your true self in all its imperfections. The rebirth will transform you from the lacking consciousness old version of yourself to a position of compassionate, objective emotional, and spiritual strength. You know that you are resilient in mitigating change. This is especially important when as a citizen of humanity you need to compromise so that maybe by relenting you allow someone else’s life to improve, recognizing it’s not at a cost to you. You are not threatened by others but first, there must be a lot of pain, insecurity, and vulnerability that must be traversed to see these fundamental truths.

I am certain it was necessary for me to experience the dark night of the soul. I would not be in the place I am now had it not been meant for me. Joseph Campbell was famous for his explanations of mythology and the hero’s journey and how they can be reflective of the individual life. I continue to find understanding for my journey when he says, "If you enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path, where there is a way, it is someone else's path; you are not on your own path." This is the reassurance I needed.  All my experiences, mistakes, regrets, rejections, and the hiding of my true self, were all mine to embrace as my own journey. In search of solace, I would never find anyone else to compare my life journey and lessons. I had to accept it was for me alone to experience what would form me into who I am meant to become. That is, if I was willing to embrace where the universe was prodding me.

It may not be your journey to experience the dark night of the soul, but you can develop your self-awareness and begin to discover what’s hidden from you. Here are a few questions that I use as a coach for my clients and from time to time for myself that might help you start your own unique and wonderful journey. What details am I missing about my life? What don’t I know about myself? Are there things other people know about me that I don’t? Am I being intentional about life or am I living as Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate!”

Resurfacing from the dark night of the soul won’t prevent you from encountering problems in life. That would be unrealistic and not a path towards enlightenment. It will make you stronger to handle life’s problems with diligence and inclined towards sound judgment. It will give you perspective and calm that will lead you to be the anchor to those in your orbit of need. I wish you well on your journey and hope that one day you can reflect on the person you once were and now have become. It is immensely satisfying.

“…Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams,Now I wash the gum from your eyes,You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and of every moment of your life.

Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore,Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,To jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout, and laughingly dash with your hair.”

Song of Myself,  – Walt Whitman